In this feature, two of our favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions

This week, Neil asks Anita…

Neil: The other day I was riding the subway and there was a phrase written on the wall of the train that really got me thinking.  The text read “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” So after some internet searching I found that in a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if
we drink 1 liter of  water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words we drink shit all day, everyday. So, Jenny, are you thirsty yet? Also, does love=sex?

Anita: I work in a relatively small office where we get our water from one of those Poland Spring water coolers. At some point last year we started noticing little floaters in our water, so when the bottle was empty, I lifted it out and inspected the empty machine. Its sides were coated with thick  brown slimy sludge, just fucking covered with the shit – disgusting, right? I drink about three 36 oz Nalgene bottles filled with the grody stuff daily and I’m still alive – if nothing else all the e.coli probably keeps me regular. Speaking of bacteria and being regular! I routinely leave the bathroom without washing my hands, even post BM and have a bad habit of biting my nails, how many kilos of my own caca to do you think I ingest yearly? Yes I’m thirsty, always, but only for cheap champagne. And love doesn’t = sex, sex=love, dummy.

In this feature, two of our favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions

This week, Anita asks Neil…

Anita: “I can’t seem to un-see that chimp mauling victim’s face. Upon seeing it, my roommate immediately said “man I would be so mad I didn’t die.” What about  you? Would you want to live while being insanely disfigured? If so, what would you use to camouflage your deformaties?

Neil: This is the shortest question yet.  It usually takes you three or four paragraphs of self indulgence before we get to the red meat.  So first and foremost, bravo on your conciseness. Now for the answer: I would want to live.  I have been disfigured before (high school acne) but, I haven’t been dead.  So in that case I would go with what I know.  As far as covering up the damage,  I wouldn’t.  If people asked “what up with your gross ass face?” I would simply let them know that I went one-on-one with a fucking primate, and walked away.

This week, Neil asks Anita…

Neil: Most Americans do not accept the theory of evolution. Instead, 51percent of Americans say God created humans in their present form, and another three in 10 say that while humans evolved, God guided the process. Just 15 percent say humans evolved, and that God was not involved.  So if we evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? On second thought, thats not my question, this is.  If you could be born again would choose to be a different sex to what you are?

Anita: You wanna know why we have monkeys and apes? Because them shits is DANG cute. You obviously haven’t been to a zoo in a long time, but if you dig deep in your memory, you might find that 30% of entertainment while chilling at the zoo is catching a chimp, baboon, or makak straight up jacking off, grinning at horrified families. That shit is hilarious! No one wants to see a rhino touching himself, it’s too complicated. Monkeys and masturbation? A win every time.

Now to answer your second question: I would fucking LOVE to have a dick. First of all, they seem like a bundle of fun. And second of all, you get to pee! Everywhere! Anywhere! All the time! No squatting down, pulling your pants to the side, exposing your entire ass to whoever happens to walk by, and inevitably dumping half a cup of urine down your left shoe. Nope! It’s like the Canon elph: point and shoot. Not only does having a ween sound like just a more practical option, but do I even need to touch on the whole monthly bleeding + pushing an entire human being out of a hole between your legs situation? Sure, motherhood is a beautiful thing, but dicks are beautiful too. Sign me up for the sex change, I’m ready.

In this feature, two of our favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions

This week, Anita asks Neil…

Anita: Halloween is upon us again and I am running all over damn town trying to get my shit ready and piece together a costume that is both humorous and appealing to the opposite sex – why is it so hard to not look like either a total goofball or a complete slut on halloween? Anyway. A couple of years ago, I broke up with a long(ish) term boyfriend on Halloween, partly because he refused to wear a costume that matched mine (I was a french maid, and wanted him to be a butler) – what do you think is the importance of wearing matching costumes when you’re in a relationship? Is it totally obnoxious or a necessary evil? If you had a sig. o, what would you dress up as this year?

Neil: Isn’t the point of Halloween to either look like a complete slut or a goofball?  I’m not sure if there is any middle ground?  I mean what would that be, a whorish clown?  As far as matching costumes with a “sig o”, IDK.  I used to date this girl named Addae.  She was from Ghana, and wanted me to paint my face black, while she would go white and we would be each other for the night.  This was 1996 and being an Irish kid, from Boston nonetheless, there was no way that was happening.  I respectfully had to let her know that no one would think that was funny or cute and I would probably get my ass kicked.  I ended up caving, getting my ass kicked, rightfully so I imagine, and she went home with my friend Anton.  Moral of the story, matching costumes are dangerous.  I would go with your gut, and just be Jabba the slut.

Happy Halloween.

In this feature, two of our favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions.

This week, Neil asks Anita:

Neil:There is this chick who works at a local cafe by my office. One day whilst talking to her she told me that guys with tattoos are her biggest turn on.  I have kept my body  ink free, just in case I want to get buried in a Jewish cemetery (you never know) but now I’m considering getting one to pique her interest.  I’m thinking some type of tribal arm band, or maybe a Japanese character on my fore arm.  I’m so excited just writing about it!  Any advice?

Anita: Before I answer your question, I have to touch on a few things. First of all I’m becoming concerned about your “local café” obsession, this is the second time you’ve brought that shit up in 2 weeks. Are you drinking too much coffee? That shit’s gonna kill you, you know that, right? And dude, more importantly: are you Charlie from fucking It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia? Crushing on the chick who serves you your daily coffee is the most tired 90’s sitcom cliché. Oh, great! The fucking theme song for Friends is blaring in my brain right now, thank you very much, asshole (clap-clap -clap -clap).

Anyway. back to the question. If you kept up with the news, you would know that the whole Jewish cemetery/tattoo thing is bogus, the New York Times told us so a couple years ago. So unless you get a back piece of Hitler’s face or something that says “Jesus is my savior” – I’m pretty sure they’ll let you in, no questions asked. As for your design of choice, how about an arm band that consists of Japanese characters? Peanut butter is good and so is jelly, but when they are together, they’re fucking AWESOME. Why just do one or the other? Combine two good things to make one totally fucking stellar thing! Remember to be choosy about what the characters spell out, you definitely want the lady to know you’re someone she wants to be with. How do you spell “I eat pussy” in Japanese?

NY Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/17/fashion/17SKIN.html

In this feature, two of our favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions.

This week, Anita asks Neil:

“As I get older I have noticed that hair has started sprouting in strange places. Chin, nipples, feet – it’s like studios released a sequel to my puberty without my consent, and its getting two big thumbs down. In your opinion, do you think I should just let that shit flow? Embrace nature? Be a natural, mature, beautiful woman? Or should I turn into a plucking maniac that wastes hours upon hours hunting, tweezers in hand, for the slightest little sprout of a boob pube?”

Dear Cousin It,
I feel that you are on the precipice of a very slippery slope.  To answer your question, I guess that depends on whether or not you’re content with serving macchiatos to hipsters at that local coffee shop in Williamsburg or if you’re finally ready to make the jump to corporate.  Starbucks has great benefits, and it might be worth the extra time and effort to get them. Personally, I think you need to stop being so selfish.  Men haven’t spent countless amounts of money over the years on advertising to convince you that you need to look a certain way for you to just reject it and blaze your own happy trail.

Yours truly,

Neil

photo courtesy of found

In this new feature, two of my favorite people, Neil Anblomi and Anita Goodman, ask each other important questions.

Neil Anblomi: In your view, do you think that Iran’s pursuit of nuclear power is about creating cheap fuel? Or maybe is it that they just want to show us all that their dick is as big as ours? Moreover, would this all be such a big deal if women ran the world?

Anita Goodman: Seriously dude, what are you even talking about? We live in New York, do I care about cheap fuel? No. Gas prices in general? Probably not. Iran is pursuing nuclear power?  It’s probably because, like the rest of the whole god damn world they want to blow us to pieces. Kaboom. Buh-bye. Think I’ll look good with some radioactive glow on my skin? Probably.  And hey while we’re on the topic of Iran and dicks -  you know what? You never hear about middle eastern dudes’ dongs. There’s the black size myth, the asian size myth (and something about sideways vaginas, right?) but what about Osama? What if his dick is fucking perfect! Not too big, not too small, just the right amount of girth, hairless, beautiful, smooth, bronzed… Holy shit.  This changes everything! Oh and would this be a big deal if women ran the world? Is this fucking Jezebel.com? I don’t know how to answer that. Next!