The Principals Office

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Been a while folks, but we’re back with another Principals Office! We hope you’ve missed us a much as we’ve missed you. Truth be told, we wanted out. But you, our adoring public dragged us back into the game. And since no new design can escape our watchful eyes, someone has to do the dirty work of calling out the bad ones. This week we present to you the (somewhat) new invention from Fabrikan called “Spray on Fabric.” It’s real, and it was almost too easy for us to write about…. almost!  Voted by Time Magazine the 6th best invention of 2010, it’s the flamboyantly gay brother to Ron Popeil’s Hair in a Can, ironically voted one of Time’s 50 worst inventions of 2010.  But the irony doesn’t stop there, Time magazine has more in store for us.  Always a bulwark of journalistic ethics and hard hitting reporting, Time lays it out in their opening pitch:

For Spray-On Fabric

“Cheese, Insulation, hair – a lot of surprising things can come out of spray cans.  Now we can add clothing to that list.”

For Hair in a Can

“Cheese, Spam, sardines – nothing really good has ever come from a can.  Hair is no exception.”

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The Principals Office

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Anyone with half a brain who’s ever seen Teen Wolf knows these simple facts: Don’t get less than 8 hours of sleep, never have sex with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body, and don’t play cards with someone who has the first name of a city.  These three easy rules, what we like to call, “The Principals Principles” have never failed us in our not-so-difficult trek towards perfection.  But like any axiom, they should be able to evolve with the changing times. And since the orgiastic feast begetted by the 3D printer, these times really-are-a-changin’ (well… not really really a-changin’, just like, theoretically a-changin’). The newest big name to join the wild rumpus is Ron Arad, famous not only for producing chairs so well designed they actually defy being sat upon, but also a dude with a snappy taste in hats.

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The Principals Office

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We’re celebrating our lucky number 13th post with a bit of a relaunch: a new graphic by Aiyana Udesen, and an evolution in the rules of the game. The format stays the same, we’re still The Principals, we still have an Office, but to get called into The Principals Office now you gotta be a public figure. And to heighten the danger, since some of these public figures aren’t readers of TWBE (a good start as to why they might be getting called in) we’re gonna call them out on whatever social media outlet they use to communicate with their fanbase: facebook, their blog, carrier pigeon network, cat memes, whatevs.

To kick off our new format, we’re going after a big dog: esteemed architect, pritzker prize winner, and all around bilbo ballbagger: Rem Koolhaas, On the cocktail party scale of, “droppin’ names to get laid,” if Roman and Williams are a handy in the bathroom, Koolhaas is an ass-to-mouth threesome in the kitchen. But even for a big gun like Koolhaas, the global depression has had an impact. Thus his new furniture line for Knoll called “Tools for Life.” It’s a pretty standard track for any architect when the commissions start to dry up; have some interns fart out designs for a furniture line, ship it off to China for production, then slap a price tag on it with no less that 4 zeros and BOOM! you’re back makin’ Bentley payments and wearing Prada suits in no time.

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The Principals Office

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Design is more or less an invented field. If you think about it, anyone could be a designer, you just gotta invent some stuff. Could be a radio-controlled toilet paper dispenser (patent-pending) or it could be as simple as some new bullshit phrase people like to say. For the lucky few, coining a phrase is the breakthrough moment in an otherwise mediocre career,  the jewel in the crown of their wikipedia bio. For instance, a person like Sara Driver, consequential only for nailing Jim Jarmusch, invents the phrase “necro-tourism” and 10 years later BAM! She’s being written about in The Principals Office.

Being useful is not a requirement for an invented word (although nary a day goes by without someone finding a use for “necro-tourism” in our studio). Counter-intuitively it’s an invented word’s useless-ness that is key. Case in point, the mother of all invented words: Guesstimate. A word so useless it’s practially begging to be called into The Principals Office.  Well you’ve got your wish Guesstimate, you’ve been called in, report!

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The Principals Office

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It’s Spring, and that means Easter time, so how better to follow up the success of last week’s Principals Office than by phoning in a holiday-themed episode! But if we’re gonna phone it in, we’re gonna phone it in on something close to the heart (it’s even easier that way). So this week we’re calling in that delicious little rascal, Cadbury Creme Egg, report to The Principals Office!

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The Principals Office

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This week we wanna tap into a little bit of design zeitgeist. Per usual we’ve been on almost permanent vacation from the stinkfest known as New York’s design scene, so these two will probably be nothing new to you.  But by merit of their nauseating ubiquity paired with a grade on the snarkmeter that could poison a toad, we have no other choice but to call them in.  So without further ado, Roman and Williams, report to The Principals Office!

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The Principals Office

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Lacrosse, for flagrant stealing, you’ve been called to The Principals Office!  Sport design is an overlooked corner of creativity. Some might describe that corner as a bastion of rampant, irreverent, or even reckless creativity.  Lacrosse is an even more obscure, as the Lithuanians are fond of saying, “corner of that corner.”  If you didn’t know, two thirds of The Principals come from Baltimore; the steaming, crab juice-soaked, hot-bed of Lacrosse; a deservedly overlooked sport stolen from the Native Americans and re-appropriated by Jeep Wrangler-driving, collar-popping, suburban cool guys.  It’s a sport that somehow retains a preppy refinement while simultaneously satisfying the warrior spirit of pubescent stick-wielding meatheads. To grow up in Baltimore means that by your third birthday you have a crab mallet in one hand and a lacrosse stick in the other.  But as the new century trudges on, this once localized sport has popularized from the brackish waters of the Chesapeake through Midwestern fields of grain to the great unknowns of the wild, wild West.  But during this diaspora Lacrosse lost something.  As if to make this pyrrhic victory, it had to sell all the cool it had stockpiled from the Air Gate days. It’s no longer enough to bastardize the Native American legacy it once cherished, what does that mean to a Hot-Mess munching Iowan tween anyway?  What Lacrosse needed Skateboarding has in spades, and it obviously was not a genius who matched these two polar opposites together, or at least blatantly stole from one.  Stealing from Skateboarding culture is nothing new (as we saw two weeks ago in the dreaded Stair Rover).  This isn’t the first time Thrasher’s logo has been swiped and it won’t be the last. But for Lacrosse to do so is a step so far into the twilight zone. When you robo-trip your way out of this wet dream, the tennis team manager will still be finger-banging the homecoming queen.  Thus leading us all to beg the question, does this mean The Principals will get a date to the Prom after all?

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The Principals Office

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Been a while since we called an actual person into the Principals Office. In fact, we don’t know if we ever have. The last 7 posts were written in a boredom-induced fog, fueled by unhealthy quantities of Adderall and Crab Chips.  Either way, it seemed about time we expanded our territory to something that could actually respond to our rants, to the Corpus Vile if you will.  But being called to The Principals Office doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Sometimes there are commendations to be received. Sometimes we like to celebrate our students for things like punctuality or perfect attendance.  Today we’d like to single someone out someone for distinguishing themselves in a distinguished field: the field of Excellence.  That’s right, it’s an abstract field, but Dr. Steve Brule is an abstract man.

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The Principals Office

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Skateboarding is a popular sport; the amount of Sportos, Dweebies and Wastoids trying to cash in on it could drown a whale.  Unfortunately there’s just not enough time in our busy schedule to call every one of these turdburgulars into The Principals Office. Only the darkest and most depraved will have that distinct displeasure. We thought we had our man with the Razor Scooter, but then came the Snakeboard and we knew the layers of crapulence had only been scratched. So we waited, and as we sensed middle America’s thirst for danger being quenched, as countless industrial design students dreamed then gave up on “reinventing the skateboard”, we sat in the shadows patiently, ready at any moment to strike.  But now finally it’s here, have you heard?  It’s called the Stair Rover and it’s being called into this week’s Principals Office, because well, it sucks.

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The Principals Office

principals-office

Welcome to our new weekly column by The Principals, where every Friday they summon someone or something to the Principals office. Lessons will be learned, tears might be shed, parents could be called.

Riding the theme of “architectural gimmicks” put forth by a commenter last week, today we’re calling the Arduino into our office.

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The Principals Office

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Newsflash: Architects have given up on designing dynamic-yet-uninhabitable buildings, lower focus to unwearable clothing!

The 3D Printer has long been in use to produce children’s toys or machined parts, so it was only a matter of time before architects latched onto it as the panacea for their collective ignorance.  Two recent articles describe the depth of their hubris; via the 3D Printer, architects are now attempting to design anything from Clothes to Moon Bases.  Now, we’re all about exploiting advances in technology, heck we’ve been exploited all our lives!  But we can smell a fake a mile away, and this shit smacks of “first time at the rodeo-itis”.  So for the good of mankind, to absolve us of the collective future sins architects will most definitely commit, 3D Printer we’re calling you into The Principals Office, it’s our only hope!

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The Principals Office

principals-office

Welcome to our new weekly column by The Principals, where every Friday they summon someone or something to the Principals office. Lessons will be learned, tears might be shed, parents could be called.

This Sunday is Super Bowl, and normally we wouldn’t really give a chunk, but our beloved Ravens have made it to the big game and we’re in a bit of a frenzy, so here’s our special Super Bowl themed Principal’s Office: This week we’re calling the entire city of San Francisco, please report – we’d like to have a word with you!

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The Principals Office

principals-office

Welcome to our new weekly column by The Principals, where every Friday they summon someone or something to the Principals office. Lessons will be learned, tears might be shed, parents could be called.

This week we’re gonna try something new; a kinder, gentler, more positive Principal’s Office. Today we’re calling in a lesser known master-piece (pun intended!) of design: The ALCOA Chess Set, designed by Austin Cox of Austin Enterprises for ALCOA in 1962.

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The Principals Office

principals-office

Welcome to our new weekly column by The Principals, where every Friday they summon someone or something to the Principals office. Lessons will be learned, tears might be shed, parents could be called.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, Bugzooka, pack your books immediately, you’ve been called… to The Principals Office!!

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The Principals Office

principals

Welcome to a new weekly column by The Principals, where every Friday we call someone or something to the Principals office. Lessons will be learned, tears might be shed, parents could be called.

Our first victim is Dario Fontanello, inventor of Spaghettieis. This is probably new to you all, but it exists. It’s a machine that makes ice cream look like spaghetti, and it’s a specialty in Germany and only slightly less horrible than it sounds.

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