The Onion’s Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide

The total number of people who’ve been born… ever.

Mexican smugglers need to step their Hot Wheels game up.

A 30 ft. tall effigy of Lance Armstrong is to be burned this weekend in England.

$4.05 Billion is a great number, and as long as we don’t see Shia Laboeuf in any leading roles outside of the Indiana Jones franchise, it’s all good.

The case of the JFK baggage handler who was given 3 life sentences for masterminding a global drug ring.

Nike cuts its ties with Lance Armstrong.

Unearthing the mystery graves at a now defunct reform school for boys in Marianna, Florida.

This guy in Australia got thrown out of a bar for having a mullet.

via, arbroath

Five sex offenders in California are suing for the right to be able to give out candy at Halloween.

via, fark

It’s a sex toy.

(Thanks Kiji!)

James Brown retired to Portugal as a millionaire at the age of 36. Now 45, he was just arrested after police found cocaine “hidden in the air vents and folding roof of his luxury Bentley.” And yes, he did so much coke in those 9 years that his nose collapsed.

More at the Daily Mail

The Lesula (Cercopithecus lomamiensis) was found in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

This guy beat up a kid on a lawnmower and then dropped to his knee for a moment of reflection before fleeing the scene.

Osama Bin Laden in 1993.

via, tdw

Griselda Blanco, the “Godmother of Cocaine,” was gunned down yesterday in a Medellin butcher shop by a pair of motorcycle assassins, a style of killing she has been credited as inventing.

Jerry Garcia has been found in a jar of Horseradish

Brilliant. How it ultimately sounds is up to you.

Song Reader will contain “twenty songs existing only as individual pieces of sheet music, never before released or recorded.”

News in Salt Lake City: LEGO piece found in boy’s nose after three years