Relentless

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What’s worse than having your dick cut off by your wife? Having her break into your hospital room and cut it off again.

All Business

crumpled-yuan

In August 2013, a Xiao Li fell into a coma at an internet cafe after spending close to a week straight without any sleep while he fervently researched new business ideas. In January 2015, Xiao Li woke up from his coma after smelling a crisp 100 Yuan note that doctors had crumpled under his nose.

Charlie Hebdo, Before the Massacre

Damn. Rest in Peace.

“Love: Stronger than hate.”

charlie-hebdo

Our thoughts go out to the country of France and all those with affiliations to the staff of the satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, who were attacked today by multiple lunatic terrorist gunmen during the magazine’s daily editorial meeting at their offices in Paris.

 

Our Lady of the Perpetual Grind

Arnhem-Skate-Hall-chruch-skatepark

As Christianity weakens across Europe, former places of worship offer up some interesting real estate opportunities.

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“I’ll give you a chance to be creative”

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The exact phrase you want to hear from a judge when you have no money for bail, but you just got a new pair of Nikes for christmas.

They Fall So Hard

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Dustin Diamond aka Samuel “Screech” Powers aka “The Switchblade Kid” was arrested Friday morning in Wisconsin after stabbing someone at a bar on Christmas night.

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Jeffrey Gamblero, Rest in Peace

korn

Known to his crew as KORN, and to the world as a Brooklyn Nets “Super-Fan,” Jeffrey Gamblero passed away yesterday due to complications from a two-story fall from a window at his father’s apartment in Queens. He was 38-years old.

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Frostbitten Flamingoes

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Flying the wrong way due to “unusual climactic conditions,” four different flamingoes flapped their way into Siberia last week.

Perverts! Everywhere!

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Tom Ford is selling a golden penis crucifix… although it’s not a likely purchase for the convicted sex offender who won $3 million off a scratch-off ticket. That guy was in Florida, as was this 21-year old, who was caught masturbating outside of his home because “his mother won’t let him watch pornography in the house.” And in other family news… Twin sisters recently did battle over a vibrator and a boyfriend. They were also in Florida.

Serious About Cereal

french-toast-crunch

General Mills has announced the return of French Toast Crunch to 21st century cereal bowls, but we have to wonder, how will it taste with all the new-fangled nut waters that have infiltrated our refrigerators?

Not as Much Raping and Pillaging as Previously Suggested

viking-women-todd-james

A recent study portrays Vikings as ‘family men’ who brought their women along on voyages to conquer new lands.

Art by Todd James

Rest in Purrs to the World’s Oldest two-faced Cat

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Frank and Louie aka “Frankenlouie” was 15 years old.

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E-cigarettes Can Be Hazardous to Your Computer’s Health

e-cig-malware

When plugged into the USB port to charge, your computer might “inhale” malware that’s been hardcoded into the e-cig, essentially making it a digital cancer stick.

DC’s Mayor for Life Has Left This Earth

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Rest In Peace, Marion Barry. We’ll never forgive that bitch Rasheeda for setting you up.

The Bride of Manson

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In a move that must have pay-per-view/reality show producers frothing at the mouth, convicted mass murderer Charles Manson is getting married from behind bars. The lucky girl is 26-year-old Afton Elaine Burton, who left her home at the age of 17 to be close to the incarcerated old man. From all the evidence presented, the 80-year-old (who’s currently serving a life sentence) is holding it down… although due to state law he only gets two hugs per visit and none of those conjugal. The ceremony of these two lovers will take place on the first Saturday of December, January, or February, and only 10 non-inmate guests will be permitted to attend. No outside photography will be allowed, so it will be up to the entrepreneurial skills of one of the guests to bring us the first images of Mr. and Mrs. Manson.
 

Flushed Out

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Jacksonville police recently arrested a 24-year-old man for stealing the toilet flushing mechanisms from 17 different public restrooms.

via, arbroath

You Get What You Pay For

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Or as Phil Rudd—AC/DC’s drummer and the man most recently charged with “drug possession and trying to hire a hitman to kill two people”—learned, you never want your “dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.”

Spiders “bleeding out of the walls”

brown-recluse-house-missouri

Imagine if your house was filled with close to 6000 brown recluse spiders. Open a cabinet, there’s a spider. Get into bed, spider under your comforter. Check on the baby, spider in the crib. Taking a shower, spider hovering down from above. This was one Missouri family’s nightmare two years ago when the house they purchased became grossly infested with the venomous brown recluse. Now in classic American form, the arachnophobic family that abandoned the home are suing the previous owners for not disclosing the 48,000 legged problem.

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