Gene P’s 8 tips on “How to make friends on the train”

Belgian TWBE correspondent Gene Parmeshawn here to slather some chocolate on your waffle. I was riding the train the other day buttering my sandwich and thinking about all you whistling dixies who’ve checked out of Frat Row for the summer and into an internal frame backpack to slog the European Grand Tour. Shiny new beads ready to be crammed up the anus of the world’s best ever cities. So I put together some helpful rules to live by while European train riding, czech ’em out:

1. Never get on a train without a fresh sack of McDonald’s or a suitable local substitute. First because the food on trains sucks and is expensive and second because the sweet smell of your super-sized Big mac and Fries wafting through the train car will definitely earn the esteem of your fellow passengers.

2. Always make sure your headphones are up at full volume. It’s a great way to guarantee that everyone around you can rock out to the same tunes you are, whether they like it or not. Also a surefire way to alert everyone to your fantastic musical taste.

3. Don’t leave your hotel without the latest model of iridium lens Oakley’s, and if they’re not on your eyes, they’re on your head. Why? Because Oakley’s are awesome, and their look is as international as Pizza, Disney or Air Jordan.
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Gene Parm chubbs out at Villette Sonique

Gene Parmegéne reporting to you again from Paris, this time from the Summer Music Festival:  Villette Sonique, which took place over last 2 weeks at Parc de Villette in Paris. The line up was pretty cool for this chubbfest; Devo, Sunset Rubdown, Deerhunter, The Go! Team, Dan Deacon and others.  Genius’ that they are, the event organizers pitted Devo up against a double bill of Deerhunter into Sunset Rubdown.  Despite my oath of allegiance to Mark Mothersbaugh (my dog and him are close friends) I chose the 12 euro ticket instead of the 40 euro one.  What I got in return was the lead singer of Deerhunter, angry at the concert promotors for calling him a “Géant Anorexique” (anorexic giant) in the band bio, threatening to sue for libel then requesting an audience volunteer to be pissed on (surprisingly, no one saddled up).  So inspired by this I decided to focus my report of this festival on the subject of “Asses”, real and figurative.  The following are from the Sunday free show which was with B. Dolan, Sage Francis, and some shitty portuguese band…….

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KID NATION WITH GENE PARMESHAWN

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“Dynamite waiting to happen!” is what Anjay called it. Morbidly, he forecasted his own demise as the council members decided to “mix up” the districts. This episode’s end would find our Bollywood bound Hindu from Blue crying to whichever of his thousands of gods would listen as Greg exclaimed, “Dude, SHUT UP!” to his lame pre-challenge pep-talk and would ultimately dispute his seat on the town council. “Mix up” turned out to be a relative term when all but Laurel, whose course red hair and gritty New England accent left little room for discussion, added 1 member from another district to theirs, shattering friendships in the process but retaining the overall stink of each district. Despite adding Blaine, the girly pussies of Yellow still cried themselves to sleep at night, everyone on Blue still hates Anjay, especially since he split up Greg and Blaine, and Red is even more of a bunch of boogers with Nathan added to the mix (except for DK and Markelle; anyone who would buy a pogo stick for the sole purpose of ripping down someone’s campaign banner and pogo-ing on it in the center of town is alright in my book). But it wasn’t all bad, Blaine took advantage of his transfer to move out of Greg’s shadow. His increased presence was not overlooked as he was awarded the gold star this week. Still drunk on his newly acquired $20,000 of solid gold, Blaine put forth his bid to take on Zach for district leader as elections loom on the horizon. In his words, “I’m a man of action. I can get things done. Sometimes it takes actions to get things done.” That’s good talkin’ son. Here’s to hoping that it takes action to get things done all the time. Enjoy your 20G payday Blainester, GeneP out.

Gene Parmeshawn: DON’T go buy now!

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Greetings you scat-daddy scallywags, as your Main Man Gene P curled up with his favorite Wednesday night accoutrements: a 22 of the Balantine and a bag of crab chips to watch his favorite Wednesday night primetimer: Kid Nation, he was met with the very screen you see above. At first I thought I might have eaten one of those Fisher Price toys with the GHB in it, but I remembered my roommate already took those to a party in Bushwick. Then what was I seeing? Russian spy messages? A heated game of Pong??? Nyet! It was just my shitty TV doing what it does best, stopping me from getting awesome with the weekly radditude of CBS primetime. How was I to ever know if Green would make the Upper Class??? No worry, for any of you that are so hopelessly out of the loop, each show is archived on CBS’s website. These bad boys are too damn good to not share and we thank the fine folks at CBS for realizing that. So if you haven’t already, don’t delay cause this show is one not to miss. There’s a talent show where Olivia does stand-up, Green FINALLY wins upper class, and there’s no bonus reward cause the suckers on Yellow couldn’t finish the challenge. They also gave the gold star to some girl who I think wanted to go home or something, I’m not sure, at this point I was kind of bored so I started eating plastic stuff around the apartment to see if it could get me high. I kind of lost track of the show when I started choking on the stands for one of the Wii controllers.

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Hey there you pork bellied Barry Badrinaths, this week’s Kid Nation was more exciting than an HJ, a BJ, hell even more thrilling than the last ZJ I got (and kids, if you don’t know what a ZJ is, you can’t afford one). I’m gonna cut to the chase here and skip all gobbeldy-gook I normally lather all over your pre-pubescent ears: DK, the Donkey Kong who ruled Bonanza while blazing barrels was threatening to leave at this week’s town hall meeting. In a heated intervention on Taylor, just as Sophia screamed “Go Home Slut!!!” DK was the only pioneer to come to her defense. Not so much because he likes her, I mean who could like that beaver toothed, won’t go to the well to get water, uppity southern prig? That’s right, no one could like you, now fire your parents. But in his own words DK chose to leave because, “I can’t stand all the hate!” Lucky for our doo rag sporting DK there was nothin’ but love for him in the town of Bonanza. After a moving sing-a-long of John Lennon inspired “Give Bonanza a Chance” and a private talk with newly elected official Guylan (a free ZJ perhaps?) DK decided to stick it out in Bonanza. Which was good choice indeed, cause the council already decided to award him this week’s gold star. And as host Jonathan so eloquently puts it; this week’s star, just like all the others, “is worth its weight in gold! Literally.” Happy gold star DK, don’t melt too much down for your grill, save some for your Halloween costume dog. I’m Gene Parmeshawn sayin’ I make pasta taste better!

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Aloha Kid Nation nation! This week

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Hey there flappers and fatties, Gene Parmesean here with your newest installment of Kid Nation. Just as I thought this show couldn

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This week

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Gene Parmesean here with this week’s review of Kid Nation. Another
heart-wrenching 3 days in Bonanza city and I’m wondering what DIDN’T happen this week? Well to start with Green didn’t win their way out of the labor
class, again. They also failed to even complete the competition in the
alloted time, saving the town council from having to make the controversial
decision between more water pumps or a heated water slide (why would we need more water pumps with a water slide? it’s like Bonanza City’s very own hot springs!) But hey, we all can’t have group members with prior pvc fitting
and plumbing experience like Greg and Wayne on Team Blue. And while they
did lead their team to victory over arch nemesis Team Red, Wayne and Greg’s
success on the field didn’t lead to success in Bonanza City’s Town Hall.
Sorry Greg, the town council saw through all your vacant attempts at
kindness and assistance, this week’s golden star (which was upped to 25 g’s
from last week’s 20) went to Michael. Keep those inspirational speeches
coming Mike, and Greg maybe if you spent some of your upper class pay this
week on OxyClean instead of chocolate bars people might consider you less of a goblin and vote for you to win the gold star next time. Until next week
fellow viewers…..

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