As a nod to the Enablist, we’re going to continue the friday skateboarding theme. Airing this week, Patrick O’Dell caps off his season 2 series on Lakai’s Fully Flared vid with a spot on the comeback kid: Guy Mariano. 2 Episodes already posted here, more to come soon if VBS and O’Dell can stop skinny dipping together and giving each other hand jobs long enough to worry about Gene P’s feelings.

Another music-based Best of Belgium, this one focused not on an aging Belga-Franco rock demi-god, but instead on an up-and-coming duo called Madensuyu.  I saw these waffle-eating spankers opening up for Wolf Parade a couple of months ago.  As I was wondering to myself how much better the sound is at a venue that has Duvel on tap, Madensuyu dropped the hammer and had me rockin’ like a hurricane on home-cooked Belgian meth.  Here they are on one of Belgium’s music tv shows called LUX.  Word of warning, start the video at 1:10 unless you understand Dutch.

Greetings ladies and germs, Gene P back to slap a little more of Belgium’s best on the barbie for ya. Today’s offering is French pop idol Johnny Hallyday.  While some of you purists may argue correctly that Johnny is French, his father was Belgian, an affliction which we all know takes at least three generations to rid the blood line of.  And while Johnny is French by nationality, he is Belgian by hair style, his desperate desire to be American, and overall epic raditude.  In fact Johnny Hallyday signifies to me everything wonderful about being American; that despite all the hate for us in the world today, after 30 years he can still pack massive european soccer stadiums just by covering Neil Diamond songs.  Johnny, you are Belgium and we salute you today as one of it’s best.

Gene P here to sock another round of Best of Belgium to ya cheeters and pumpkin eaters. This one actually took place in French Flanders, which is not technically part of the nasty B, but it’s close enough to hock a loogie on the King of Belgium, if you are so inclined (much respect to Albert II). From now until March 1st the Maison Folie in Lille is hosting the ProPeace Street Art exhibit in all its Fleming glory. Showcasing the likes of Féfé, Jonone and local talent Jef Aérosol among others, the Flemings put on quite a show.  Thanks for the photos Elsa!

Newly crowned TWBE “Postmaster of the Month” Eugene EggPlant Parmesan here to show ya there’s more to Belgium than constant rain and rampant pedophilia.  As a first installment I present to you the multi-talented Elkie Vanstiphout.  Hailing from Gent, Photographer/Musician/Designer Elkie takes the european attitude towards nudity seriously and we here at TWBE couldn’t agree more.  Fried egg sandwich anyone?

Gene P code red alert, the “List of problems solved by MacGyver” wikipedia page is up for review and, dare I say it, possible deletion.  The time is now, prove your eternal devotion to me by petitioning Wikipedia, that farce of an encyclopedia, to keep one of its few, actually informative pages alive and well.

Gene P here, back from the dead to let you know, just in case you forgot, Britain still sucks my slimy ass.  I was in London a couple of weeks ago seeing TWBE first mate Chazz Constantine’s display at London design week and while sucking down beer that was flatter than the cottage cheese arsed girls flapping at the bar, I happened upon a catalogue which could only be created in the land of bangers and mash.  Who but a fat roast beef-faced brit needs a place where one could order incontinence pants, an invisible urinal, adult bib, the world’s lightest shoe AND a 65 piece 3D model all in one place?!  Being still in the old world I don’t know the new image viewer, so you’ll have to follow me after the jumperama-slamajama to see the rest of the ads…..

Hey there you bedwetting backstabbers, it’s Gene P reporting to you after an epic 2 hours of 90210 where the plot lines were more abundant than shaved heads and combat boots at a Barnard party.  And with a larger-than-life cast consisting of Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development and Uncle Jesse’s wife from Full House, I found myself asking where most of the cast from the original show is now?  Well if you’re not Brenda Walsh, Kelly Taylor or Max from The Peach Pit, you’re frantically calling your agent to score a cameo back at West Beverly High, cause this shit left me California screamin!

Before the show even started (for the second time), after a blaze of commercials from Wendy’s, Clearasil and various hair-care products, it was grotesquely obvious that Gene P is a charter member of their target audience.  I won’t ruin what happened for those of us who haven’t seen the premiere yet, which is available for viewing on the C-Dub’s website.  But I will say that in the first hour alone Dixon got kicked off the lacrosse team AND got readmitted back on.  And in a move which made evident the breadth of the show’s writers, he got kicked off again in the second hour.  But like I said, I’ll leave it up to you to find out whether history repeats itself and he gets let back on, again, in the second hour.  Or if it just repeats itself the one time, that is, in regards to him getting kicked off the lacrosse team.  Without a doubt, this show spells drama with a capital “D”.  There were more tears in one episode than the time the Enablist found out Andy Roddick was engaged.  And with a hot chick count closing in on 6 (up from the original’s measly 2.5) the promise of this instant classic won’t risk being torpedoed by fuglies or butterfaces like Andrea Zuckerman and Donna Martin, respectively.  Welcome BACK to California my hotsauced-handjobbers, cause this is high school, West Beverly style.

Gene P’s birthday was today, however he is in France. To honor such doing, I give you an epic photo of The Enablist and Gene P himself in Paris in 2003. Happy Birthday Frenchie!

Jingle jangle my methed-out middle westerners, it’s your Tambourine Man here, Gene Parmesan, coming at you with some fresh shit hot off the streets of Lille, France. While scavenging for change to buy a Fanta, I stumbled upon this beauty; it’s an Hermès mannequin assembly guide and indeed, quite a thorough instruction set to boot (there are like 5 steps).  This insightful read answers all the hairy questions you wanted, but were too scared to ask.  Consider: if you were building a person, what would go first?  The head?  No, that goes on the top above the neck and there’s no head anyway.  How bout the feet!  Next….. hmmmmm, the torso perhaps?  Gene P’s fav chapter is about the always tricky ‘right hand placement’: (spoiler alert) It goes down my pants.  Imagine, if only Andrew McCarthy had a manual like this in the movie Mannequin……

Your favorite Parmegiano here, it’s Mean Gene with a series of new posts where I’ll be introducing the exotic, rarely seen aspects of European culture to you yankee doodle dandies.  Today I’m dropping some seriously awesome new cereal on you folks over there on the wrong side of the earth.  I’m not sure what’s more enticing about this box; the 3 main ingredients listed on the back: sugar, oil and chocolate flakes, or the Duck doing an air-split over the cereal bowl.  This shit looks like it was part of the original Howard the Duck promotion package and I’ve only seen it in Belgium, as if that’s the only country that has Howard the Duck fans?  Either way, we know what Mr. Gene P will be eating every morning for the next couple of weeks…..  

Gene P here, and to celebrate Kelly Slater’s 4th win on the WCT and all but wrapping up his 9th World Title, I’m happy to report to you, my gentle readers, after years of searching I have finally unearthed the secret to his success.   It’s all due to a lost mystic surf film, which he stumbled upon ages ago while searching for neon pink boogie board leashes at his local surf shop in Florida.  Did I astonish you? Well don’t fear dear reader, but yes, it’s true, Kelly Slater was originally a sponger. And it was this movie, mysteriously titled simply North Shore, that inspired him to give up the prone position. In this at times cryptic film to a bygone era, he learned all he has ever known about surfing.  It answers the big questions of the sport, such as:  How to duck dive?  What’s a “Barney”?  Just how aggro are the Brazilians?  And, can you tell someone is lame by the way they wear their shorts?  These and more are all answered within, proceed with caution my sweet baby-teethed blondies, these truths just may set you free……    

Belgian TWBE correspondent Gene Parmeshawn here to slather some chocolate on your waffle. I was riding the train the other day buttering my sandwich and thinking about all you whistling dixies who’ve checked out of Frat Row for the summer and into an internal frame backpack to slog the European Grand Tour. Shiny new beads ready to be crammed up the anus of the world’s best ever cities. So I put together some helpful rules to live by while European train riding, czech ‘em out:

1. Never get on a train without a fresh sack of McDonald’s or a suitable local substitute. First because the food on trains sucks and is expensive and second because the sweet smell of your super-sized Big mac and Fries wafting through the train car will definitely earn the esteem of your fellow passengers.

2. Always make sure your headphones are up at full volume. It’s a great way to guarantee that everyone around you can rock out to the same tunes you are, whether they like it or not. Also a surefire way to alert everyone to your fantastic musical taste.

3. Don’t leave your hotel without the latest model of iridium lens Oakley’s, and if they’re not on your eyes, they’re on your head. Why? Because Oakley’s are awesome, and their look is as international as Pizza, Disney or Air Jordan.

4. Don’t hold back. If you must break wind, whether by mouth or ass, do so freely. It’s a good way to publicly express how hungover you are and therefore your indisputable coolness. “Sorry dude, spent all night chasing those Aussie chicks until 2am at the hostel bar, then capped it off by giving myself a stranger on the bunkbed.” Also a great way to finish off Number #1.

5. Speak only in English (as if you had any other choice) and as LOUD as you want. Europeans don’t respect public space and fuck it, you’re in a foreign country, so they can’t understand you anyway.

6. Flag patches are out. What’s in? Real Flags. Drape yourself in the stars and stripes like Dick Cheney at a toga party, your nationalist fervor won’t go unnoticed, particularly by the eastern europeans you may be traveling with who owe their freedom to our defeat of Communism.

7. Remember: everyone around you is a pickpocket. Shady dude with the goatee and beret, pickpocket. Mom with 2 small children, grifting team of traveling pickpockets. Train dude with the funny hat who checks your ticket, potential pickpocket. So always keep you money in an L.L. Bean money belt safely strapped underneath your Johnny Damon Red Socks T-shirt. That way when you go to pay for your falafel you’ll also be able to flash those rock hard abs to everyone free of charge. Rad!

8. Above all realize that in fact, they’re foreign, not you! Who invented Coca Cola, Paper Money and the Internet? We did. And who’s using them? That’s right, they are! So take back what’s yours and let them know who’s boss. Be as pushy as you want and don’t bother saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, cause they didn’t either when they lifted our entire American culture and renamed it “Global”. This has been Gene P. reporting to you from that place in France where the naked ladies dance, until next time stay sassy star sailors….

Gene Parmegéne reporting to you again from Paris, this time from the Summer Music Festival:  Villette Sonique, which took place over last 2 weeks at Parc de Villette in Paris. The line up was pretty cool for this chubbfest; Devo, Sunset Rubdown, Deerhunter, The Go! Team, Dan Deacon and others.  Genius’ that they are, the event organizers pitted Devo up against a double bill of Deerhunter into Sunset Rubdown.  Despite my oath of allegiance to Mark Mothersbaugh (my dog and him are close friends) I chose the 12 euro ticket instead of the 40 euro one.  What I got in return was the lead singer of Deerhunter, angry at the concert promotors for calling him a “Géant Anorexique” (anorexic giant) in the band bio, threatening to sue for libel then requesting an audience volunteer to be pissed on (surprisingly, no one saddled up).  So inspired by this I decided to focus my report of this festival on the subject of “Asses”, real and figurative.  The following are from the Sunday free show which was with B. Dolan, Sage Francis, and some shitty portuguese band…….

These girls deserved 2 shots….

Stop shakin’ that ass bitch, you’re havin’ too much fun!!

There’s a Claus Oldenburg sculpture of a big buried bike in Parc de Villette.  The show was located at the seat, I liked to refer to our area as the “Stink Zone”.

If the tilt of Dude’s hat doesn’t scream “Ass” enough for you, then check his “The Hulk” color coordinated socks and girlfriend’s skirt.  We like green!!

“Dynamite waiting to happen!” is what Anjay called it. Morbidly, he forecasted his own demise as the council members decided to “mix up” the districts. This episode’s end would find our Bollywood bound Hindu from Blue crying to whichever of his thousands of gods would listen as Greg exclaimed, “Dude, SHUT UP!” to his lame pre-challenge pep-talk and would ultimately dispute his seat on the town council. “Mix up” turned out to be a relative term when all but Laurel, whose course red hair and gritty New England accent left little room for discussion, added 1 member from another district to theirs, shattering friendships in the process but retaining the overall stink of each district. Despite adding Blaine, the girly pussies of Yellow still cried themselves to sleep at night, everyone on Blue still hates Anjay, especially since he split up Greg and Blaine, and Red is even more of a bunch of boogers with Nathan added to the mix (except for DK and Markelle; anyone who would buy a pogo stick for the sole purpose of ripping down someone’s campaign banner and pogo-ing on it in the center of town is alright in my book). But it wasn’t all bad, Blaine took advantage of his transfer to move out of Greg’s shadow. His increased presence was not overlooked as he was awarded the gold star this week. Still drunk on his newly acquired $20,000 of solid gold, Blaine put forth his bid to take on Zach for district leader as elections loom on the horizon. In his words, “I’m a man of action. I can get things done. Sometimes it takes actions to get things done.” That’s good talkin’ son. Here’s to hoping that it takes action to get things done all the time. Enjoy your 20G payday Blainester, GeneP out.