The Greatest Writer Alive

LEXICON

The other day
someone drove by
and yelled
“HIPSTER!”
out the window.

This is weird
because they used to yell
“FAGGOT!”

I am not sure
which is more
accurate.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

POOR RESOLUTIONS PART 1

-Attend hypnotism school
-Learn to hypnotize people
-Hypnotize teacher into giving me back the money I paid to learn to hypnotize
-Use hypnotism to trick people into thinking they are factory workers
-Buy factory (extra money left over from saving on hypnotism school + bad economy)
-Think of something to make
-Make it (Pick something easy)
-Use hypnotized factory workers to help with assembly, shipping, heavy lifting, etc.
-Chill

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

The Future

Today
while you were busy at work
a boy named Jordan
who is in third grade at an elementary school named after a president
stood on a soccer field
and pretended to know what sex is like.

He told three guys that he looked up to
that the boy pees in the girl
and then the baby comes out of her butt.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


Markets

There are many packages on these crowded shelves
which have become the memories
you hold onto
of the exact color
of your mothers hair
the first time you saw her
cry.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

Telling

If you ever live to be a hundred
you should tell people you invented
a lot of things like radios
and microwaves and certain types of
ketchup.

No one will know.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

Lungs

When was the last time
your mom yelled
as loud as she could –
screamed jibberish
and danced around
shaking
writhing like a fool?

Maybe you should treat her.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

Walkabout

When I am feeling cooped up, I like to leave the house, on foot and walk until I see or do something, experience something that makes it feel like leaving the house was worthwhile. Sometimes I will walk for miles. Sometimes feet.

Today, two blocks from my hotel I saw a line of thirty Japanese school children, ages 3-5, standing in the rain with two fireman teaching them to use a fire hose. Each child would get three seconds with the hose, turn it on, spray the side of the building, turn it off.

I watched them for several minutes, hoping that one might accidentally open the hose up full blast, shooting a child several feet into the air.

It did not happen.

So I went and got breakfast.

Dallas Clayton

**Also you have to see this ollie (part of Dallas’ Awesome book Giveaway) over at The Berrics

The Greatest Writer Alive

Ariel

Every day
I put on my nude body stocking,
red wig,
and clam shell bra
to sing happy birthday
to a child whose name I do not know
at the freshly-carpeted indoor playground
on the second floor of the strip mall
above the photo copy place
and across from the Persian Social Club
is another day I wonder
if my mom was right
and I’m really not cut out
for life in Los Angeles.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

Prepare

If you find a nice cake
in a cakebox
on the sidewalk
you should eat it.

It was left there for you
as a birthday gift
by someone who didn’t know your birthday
or your name
or where you lived.

If you find a baby
floating in the river
you should take it home
and raise it as your own
and never tell it the truth
unless it asks you
drunk one night
after prom.

If you build a house
in a tree you don’t own
be sure to craft a space
for a watchtower
with a crossbow.
Because men will come,
this I know,
to take it from you
and going on about
“who really owns a tree”
isn’t something they want to hear.

Dallas Clayton

**For those in the LA area, Dallas will be having a book release party at Family tomorrow (11/6) night. Be there. (flier after the jump)

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The Greatest Writer Alive

ON LIVING IN LOS ANGELES

To spend your days well

choose your city

based on its industry

– Steel
– Coal
– Tobacco
– Oil
– Make Believe

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive

Epic Ballad

A powerful song
is one
that makes me remember
something
that never actually happened to me.

The Greatest Writer Alive

TRY

This morning I stood on a street corner with my eyes closed.
Have you ever done that before?
You’d think the answer would be “yes, who hasn’t!?!”
But honestly I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
It feels pretty great,
almost like “Maybe I’ll get robbed,
maybe I’ll get hit by an out of control car,
maybe someone will just walk by and think I’m
a crazy person…”
None of this happened of course,
just the warmth of the morning sun across my eyelids
and a reminder of how many things I’ve still never actually done.

Dallas Clayton

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