Visual Notes From the Awesome Tour

Friend and contributor, Dallas Clayton recently finished up his Awesome Tour.

Click here for some highlights

The Greatest Writer Alive


It doesn’t seem very hard
to start a cult.
Especially in todays fast paced world of constant connectivity
and easy access to vulnerable girls with troubled upbringings.

I think if most of my friends,
whose bands didn’t pan out
started taking night classes on motivational speaking
they could probably each lead a successful cult
within the decade.

Then they would have what most people want:
friends, power, adoration, a job they loved, a greater purpose.
And with a good accountant most of it could be a tax write off.
A cult is a very good money earner, especially if you are in on the ground floor.

The downsides: mass death, government intervention, having to live in the woods
I feel like each is an even trade.
Most people I know already hate the government, and have pretty good looking beards.
And death? well…nothing you can do there.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


Yesterday morning
I witnessed a group of criminals
caught by the city
and forced to clean the streets
using rollers
to paint the trunks of trees that had
been covered in graffiti.

For all the trouble
they had ever caused us
this was their restitution-
painting the trees.

Painting the trees?

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


How a bad idea starts:

“That looks easy…I could do that.”

How a good idea starts:

“That looks fun…I should do that.”

Dallas Clayton


Dallas Clayton’s Awesome Tour

Kansas, and Colorado you still have a shot to catch Dallas on his book tour.

More info here

The Greatest Writer Alive


The man who sold me this stick
said it would protect my eyes from evil spirits.
He said evil spirits were everywhere and coming from all over
(dimensions, and planes, and even in through the vents).
He had no pictures of what the spirits would like
but insisted I would know it once they were close.

So far I’ve killed seven people with this stick.

Their spirits seemed evil enough at the time

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


I would hope to be
a Corvette
if I were an automobile.
Likely though
I would be a Z converted into a Corvette, with a Bondo spoiler,
and flat grey patches.
But I would run fast,
and have a loose clutch, and not care when my oil was changed.

Yes, I would be fun to drive.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


This empty pool
once offered respite
to a tyrannical leader,
and murderer of thousands.
Beneath the tension of cool blue surface
he held his breath
and practiced handstands
innocent as an eight year old boy.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


Things left on the side of the road:

-Desk (missing leg)
-Large television
-Small television
-Bicycle frame
-Unwanted baby

Things claimed from the side of the road:

-Desk (missing leg)
-Large television
-Small television
-Bicycle frame

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


If you ever get to visit the Playboy mansion
for a private party with high expectations
and you throw your lucky gold dollar
in the wishing well
on the sunken lawn
you might watch it drop to the bottom
and mingle
with the rest of the change
and debate
for just a second
in your head
about whether or not
to wish for the health and happiness of all your friends
and family
or for a wild orgy
in the grotto
after hours
with six or seven girls you don’t know.

Later that night
as you leave the mansion
wet from swimming in the grotto by yourself
and alone from the orgy that never happened
you will be happy (in spirit at least)
that you chose the wishing high road
and you will sleep better knowing
that your friends and family owe you one.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


Though you don’t want to believe it
your father probably has pictures of himself
having sex with your mother
when they were your age.

And even though he is grown
and no one has come snooping
in many years
he still keeps them hidden
on a shelf
in a box
that no one would ever think to look inside.

Dallas Clayton

The Greatest Writer Alive


Today I was on the phone with customer service at Cal National Bank.
They sent my checks to the wrong address,
and as it turns out they would have to close my account and open a new one as a security measure, rather than just canceling the checks.
I thought this was very funny and started laughing.
The customer service man told me it was no laughing matter.
I told him that I had just laughed at it, and by that measure alone it was indeed now a laughing matter.
He told me I needed to take things more seriously.
I told him I would take things more seriously but that he should know today is opposite day.

“Opposite day?”

“Yes, opposite day. Check your calendar”

“There you go again, thinking everything is one big joke…” Then he transferred me to his supervisor.

Apparently Cal National Bank does not recognize opposite day.

Dallas Clayton

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