while you were busy at work
a boy named Jordan
who is in third grade at an elementary school named after a president
stood on a soccer field
and pretended to know what sex is like.
He told three guys that he looked up to
that the boy pees in the girl
and then the baby comes out of her butt.
There are many packages on these crowded shelves
which have become the memories
you hold onto
of the exact color
of your mothers hair
the first time you saw her
If you ever live to be a hundred
you should tell people you invented
a lot of things like radios
and microwaves and certain types of
No one will know.
When was the last time
your mom yelled
as loud as she could -
and danced around
writhing like a fool?
Maybe you should treat her.
When I am feeling cooped up, I like to leave the house, on foot and walk until I see or do something, experience something that makes it feel like leaving the house was worthwhile. Sometimes I will walk for miles. Sometimes feet.
Today, two blocks from my hotel I saw a line of thirty Japanese school children, ages 3-5, standing in the rain with two fireman teaching them to use a fire hose. Each child would get three seconds with the hose, turn it on, spray the side of the building, turn it off.
I watched them for several minutes, hoping that one might accidentally open the hose up full blast, shooting a child several feet into the air.
It did not happen.
So I went and got breakfast.
**Also you have to see this ollie (part of Dallas’ Awesome book Giveaway) over at The Berrics
I put on my nude body stocking,
and clam shell bra
to sing happy birthday
to a child whose name I do not know
at the freshly-carpeted indoor playground
on the second floor of the strip mall
above the photo copy place
and across from the Persian Social Club
is another day I wonder
if my mom was right
and I’m really not cut out
for life in Los Angeles.
If you find a nice cake
in a cakebox
on the sidewalk
you should eat it.
It was left there for you
as a birthday gift
by someone who didn’t know your birthday
or your name
or where you lived.
If you find a baby
floating in the river
you should take it home
and raise it as your own
and never tell it the truth
unless it asks you
drunk one night
If you build a house
in a tree you don’t own
be sure to craft a space
for a watchtower
with a crossbow.
Because men will come,
this I know,
to take it from you
and going on about
“who really owns a tree”
isn’t something they want to hear.
**For those in the LA area, Dallas will be having a book release party at Family tomorrow (11/6) night. Be there. (flier after the jump)
ON LIVING IN LOS ANGELES
To spend your days well
choose your city
based on its industry
- Make Believe
A powerful song
that makes me remember
that never actually happened to me.
This morning I stood on a street corner with my eyes closed.
Have you ever done that before?
You’d think the answer would be “yes, who hasn’t!?!”
But honestly I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
It feels pretty great,
almost like “Maybe I’ll get robbed,
maybe I’ll get hit by an out of control car,
maybe someone will just walk by and think I’m
a crazy person…”
None of this happened of course,
just the warmth of the morning sun across my eyelids
and a reminder of how many things I’ve still never actually done.
A giraffe once thought
swimming was the only thing in life that made him happy.
He never said it though.
Because that was how musicians talked about their bands.
Not far away from you
there is someone small
coping with the aftermath
of a disaster
which has taken her home.
There is also
just as close
an older man
dedicating his free time
to designing racist T shirts
and bumper stickers.
Today I bought a soccer ball
and played an hour in the grass.
Three boys sit in the parking lot of a drive through chicken restaurant.
Barely teenagers they are dressed in black T-shirts and cut off jeans, and speak with third generation Echo Park accents.
Equipped with two irregular sized bicycles (one too small, one not small enough) they are planning a mission but cannot agree on where it will take them.
The sun has just retired.
The city is becoming a boundless wonderpark.
None has to be home until Monday.
Rock, paper, scissors dictates who will ride the skateboard.
They circle the lot, profane and curious-
who is a faggot,
who talks like a little bitch,
who runs the game
-then scream off past me, unaware of the tragic state of the U.S. economy,
toward a mission
that will no doubt shape the rest of their lives.
My mom called again
Drunk I suspect
and to tell me
she had another great idea
that would make us millions.
She had invented an electric
you could use in your car
with a spit cup
that fit somewhere on the dashboard.
“People would love this,”
“It would save so much time!”
Now all we have to do
Is find a way to sell this idea
And we would be rich
If you have any leads
please pass them along to her.
Her name is Donna.
We are so happy to introduce a new weekly column to The World’s Best Ever by our friend, Dallas Clayton
THE RAPPER INSIDE YOU
The rapper inside
wants to kill you all up
with words about how good and strong he is
how he was so poor you couldn’t even believe
and you told him he was nothing but now he
owns a boat that turns into a helicopter.
The rapper inside is going to make so much money today
he can buy the sun and won’t even let you look at it
so you will freeze to death and your family
will freeze to death too
and before you die
all you will have to think about
is the rapper on a beach
with someone you wish
could be your girlfriend
in high school.