WYWS Week: Pat The Party Jerk

Over the next week we’ll be pulling some interesting pages from The Worst of While You Were Sleeping in an effort to encourage you to go out and buy the book.

PAT THE PARTY JERK: WALK OF SHAME

By Trevor Michaels

I heard this story the other day at a concert, and I feel that all of you would benefit from its message. And besides, it’s about a great subject: college women. In college, two things are clear. College guys are horny assholes just looking for tail, and college women are horny bitches just looking for dick. Anyway, the story goes like this.

A freshman girl sits in her room one night soon after arriving on campus. A frat guy knocks on her door. “Hey babe. Do you, uh, maybe want to go to a party with me?” At this crucial moment, the chick thinks, “I am at college. My parents aren’t here to tell me what to do. I am free and independent now. I am going to the party.”

So she goes to the frat party with this guy and they’re hanging out. One of his friends comes over and has something in her hand. Her date grasps the object and a lighter, and starts sucking from the top of it. A rumbling, bubbling noise reaches her ears. She asks him what it is, and he asks her if she wants a hit from the bong. So she’s thinking, “I am in college. I am free and independent to do what I want. I am taking a hit.” So she starts pulling hits, and eventually she has a nice buzz. She’s feeling pretty good by now.

Next, the boy cracks open a brew and offers her one. So she thinks, “I am a college woman. I can have a beer if I want one.” Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack! She downs six or seven beers and now she’s feeling great. She’s loving the party and talking to everyone.

Toward the end of the night, the boy asks her if she wants to go back to his room. So she thinks, “I am in college. No rules. No curfew. I can go home with a guy if I want.” So they go back to her room and start hooking up. It gets hotter and hotter. So she thinks, “I am in college now. I can fuck this guy if I want.” So she decides to do it.

The next morning she wakes up confused. She rolls over in bed, looks over and jumps up in fright. She is now on the floor, praying, “Please God, tell me I didn’t do that. Please say I didn’t!” But she knows she did. She quickly dresses and starts her walk across campus to the freshman dorms. It’s about noon. As she struts across campus in the same clothes she had on last night, everyone knows who she is from the party the night before. Tons of people wave and say, “Hi.” And of course, they know that she is wearing the same clothes from the night before and they know where she has been since then.

That is the essence of the “Walk of Shame.” Anyway, back at the dorm the news has also spread. Everyone’s talking about how she didn’t come home and where she slept. Her roommate wants
details. Here is the point of the story. I want to have a daughter. And when she goes to school I am sure that stuff like this is going to happen. But I will tell her this: If she wants to go home with a guy and fuck him, that is her decision. But she better take him back to her place. Fuck him. And then kick his ass out and make him walk home.

Here are some pointers to get laid and not have to suffer from the “Walk of Shame.”

1. Why not just fuck at the party? Bathrooms, closets and parking lots all make great spots.

2. Tell her or him that you have a huge waterbed that vibrates.

3. For girls, tell the guy you have pizza back at your place. For guys, tell the girl that you have last week’s Felicity and Dawson’s Creek on tape.

4. Just start walking toward your place. Human nature dictates that your partner must follow.

5. Tell your date you only live two minutes away even if it is more like an hour.

Good luck.

Originally printed in WYWS Issue #8

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