From planning his next meal to fantasizing about hookers with hamburger heads to painting portraits of rappers like Cheazy-E to collaborating on a beef-themed graffiti production, no one knows burgers better than STEEL. For this post, Zio asked the San Francisco-based graffiti writer and fine artist to list his top-five burgers in the city. His mouthwatering photos and poignant reviews are featured below.

Monk’s Kettle

The burger here is delicious. This thing is hard to beat on pure quality of ingredients. Everything about this beauty is fantastic, from the healthy slices of applewood bacon to the sauteed onions. Monk’s Kettle has great beers and a homemade pretzel with cheese fondue sauce that makes your balls tingle. Don’t eat there without this happening.

The Monk’s Kettle
3141 16th Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 865-9523

Nickies

The Nickies burger is a lower Haight classic. Irish bars in S.F. are usually reliable sources for a good burger and alcohol-appreciating Irish girls with large bottoms. Nickies is no exception to the rule and is stocked with both. You can grab this bad bitch for $5 before 6 p.m. Monday through Friday, which is a bargain I don’t understand but am happy to participate in.

Nickies
466 Haight St
San Francisco, CA 94117
(415) 255-0300

Ganim’s Market

The hometown hero is the burger at Ganim’s Market. If your father was a truck driver, this is the spot he would eat lunch at. An unbeatable double-bacon cheeseburger is waiting for you, tucked away in this corner market of Potrero Hill. I wake up in the morning thinking about this thing. I don’t know what they are doing in the kitchen but I hope they don’t stop.

Ganim’s Market
1135 18th St
San Francisco, CA 94107
(415) 282-9289

Zuni Café

This is my favorite fancy burger in S.F. Zuni’s Café is known for their diverse selection of oysters, don’t pass on those. I relocate an entire squadron of oysters to my stomach every time I eat there. Their burger is the talk of the town. She’s an expensive date with high expectations. Don’t give her too much attention and you’ll get what you want.

Zuni Café
1658 Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94102
(415) 552-2522

The Chieftain

Another great Irish pub in San Francisco. Their classic is the infamous lamb burger topped with sauteed mushrooms and crumbled bleu cheese. It’s hard to beat this burger when you have it on the brain. Its unique taste will make you crave it at awkward moments in your life, sometimes causing dizziness and sweating. The Chieftain also has one of the best spicy Bloody Mary’s in San Francisco. Bloody Mary’s are real good all the time.

The Chieftain
198 5th Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 615-0916

For more from STEEL, visit his new blog.