I went to see Crazy Heart last night. Before you can ask me why the hell I went to see it, I will give you the reasons: It is a movie about an old country drunk. I like movies about drunks. They are usually funny, and throw up on themselves. Also drunks bang messed up looking tail. Who doesn’t like to see dudes bang messed up looking tail?  And also, the most important thing, incest.

While the film had the makings of all the things I love, it straight up blew. Blew big ass chunks. Bad, the main character, bangs some old, toothless groupie chick at the beginning of the film (very cool), but it goes down hill from there.

He ends up banging a chick in her late 20s, who has no ass, and also has a kid (read: baggage). BAD likes kids, but unfortunately, not in a sexy way. He does get points for taking the 4-year-old to a bar and losing him, but it wasn’t enough to save this movie. I thought I was in the theatre for like six hours, and it was under two hours including the previews.

Also – zero – count them ZERO boobs in this film.

-Roger Gastman