Belgian TWBE correspondent Gene Parmeshawn here to slather some chocolate on your waffle. I was riding the train the other day buttering my sandwich and thinking about all you whistling dixies who’ve checked out of Frat Row for the summer and into an internal frame backpack to slog the European Grand Tour. Shiny new beads ready to be crammed up the anus of the world’s best ever cities. So I put together some helpful rules to live by while European train riding, czech ‘em out:

1. Never get on a train without a fresh sack of McDonald’s or a suitable local substitute. First because the food on trains sucks and is expensive and second because the sweet smell of your super-sized Big mac and Fries wafting through the train car will definitely earn the esteem of your fellow passengers.

2. Always make sure your headphones are up at full volume. It’s a great way to guarantee that everyone around you can rock out to the same tunes you are, whether they like it or not. Also a surefire way to alert everyone to your fantastic musical taste.

3. Don’t leave your hotel without the latest model of iridium lens Oakley’s, and if they’re not on your eyes, they’re on your head. Why? Because Oakley’s are awesome, and their look is as international as Pizza, Disney or Air Jordan.

4. Don’t hold back. If you must break wind, whether by mouth or ass, do so freely. It’s a good way to publicly express how hungover you are and therefore your indisputable coolness. “Sorry dude, spent all night chasing those Aussie chicks until 2am at the hostel bar, then capped it off by giving myself a stranger on the bunkbed.” Also a great way to finish off Number #1.

5. Speak only in English (as if you had any other choice) and as LOUD as you want. Europeans don’t respect public space and fuck it, you’re in a foreign country, so they can’t understand you anyway.

6. Flag patches are out. What’s in? Real Flags. Drape yourself in the stars and stripes like Dick Cheney at a toga party, your nationalist fervor won’t go unnoticed, particularly by the eastern europeans you may be traveling with who owe their freedom to our defeat of Communism.

7. Remember: everyone around you is a pickpocket. Shady dude with the goatee and beret, pickpocket. Mom with 2 small children, grifting team of traveling pickpockets. Train dude with the funny hat who checks your ticket, potential pickpocket. So always keep you money in an L.L. Bean money belt safely strapped underneath your Johnny Damon Red Socks T-shirt. That way when you go to pay for your falafel you’ll also be able to flash those rock hard abs to everyone free of charge. Rad!

8. Above all realize that in fact, they’re foreign, not you! Who invented Coca Cola, Paper Money and the Internet? We did. And who’s using them? That’s right, they are! So take back what’s yours and let them know who’s boss. Be as pushy as you want and don’t bother saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, cause they didn’t either when they lifted our entire American culture and renamed it “Global”. This has been Gene P. reporting to you from that place in France where the naked ladies dance, until next time stay sassy star sailors….