Another installment of Comedy and Chaos by Flats.
Beowulf: 3D
The Holiday season is upon us, children giddy over the potential of Santa’s existence, working professionals giddily wondering which co-worker they’ll unwrapped after another of the many rampant holiday parties filled with such gusto and glee. A week of merriment, mirth and massive booze fueled headaches that bring entire companies to a standstill. Let the surly drunken VP bears from their cages and watch as the weak hearted drink away their fear. No apologies for your behavior last night, for who is expected to pass the social skills sobriety test in the face of such primeval fear? Not I, says many a shy email each morning after.
Got a little bit of pot and seeking alternative AA friendly methods of entertainment? Thinking a movie to be the answer but haven’t got six hours to wait in line or a Fandango account to get I Am Legend tickets? Go see Beowulf 3D, if you haven’t already. Sweet Shit. A fine Zemekis tale set in a time when men went looking for the fight instead of hiding from it behind corporate law, cholesterol pills and anonymous web postings. Put on your black hipster 3D glasses and duck before the ancient gold coins bounce off your forehead, the vicious claws of the hawk snatch the encroaching vermin scurrying inches from your face, the bloodied scabbard missing your jugular by millimeters. Not one easily impressed by the visual tricks Hollywood can produce, this is a must see for any graphics haters. The big screen 3D is f’n awesome.
The story itself is an old one, thought to be written in the 9th century, a tale passed down through song of Beowulf, mighty warrior king of 6th century Germanic-Swedes, infiltrating Briton with the invasions of the Vikings and believed to be the Brits earliest written epic, some 1200 years old. For those of you who still believe the ending is more important than the journey, I’ll avoid the conclusion to save you from your CSI conceived notion of the formulaic layered story that must culminate with six twists and a shitty line of dialogue that leaves the viewer in a simulated feeling of intellectual achievement. Beowulf is a tale of The Wrong Woman.
Thinking he can rid the world of demons, Beowulf ventures to the cave of Grendel’s grieving mother, only to be seduced by the waiting and gold dipped beauty, Angelina Jolie. She’s in the buff in each of her four computer generated scenes. Again, Sweet Shit. He does the deed and what follows is the demolition of his soul. You know what I’m talking about, the one night tryst that got you left at the alter, the reason your baby boy has herpetic outbreaks, the lawsuit that has you banned from your old industry, leaving you a teat yanker in the middle of Iowa. She’s out there and waiting for you, she won’t rest until she’s brought you to your knees. And she’s been waiting since the beginning of time. You won’t escape her.
